ready to knock off

the past week has been a mixture of frustrations and blessings, so my thoughts are a little scattered. tomorrow is our last day of work before we head out to Lusaka sometime in the afternoon.

reflecting on our time here, i was discouraged the other day with the amount of progress i feel i've made here. a common theme in all of my entries and thoughts has been, 'am i being useful? is what i'm doing or what i have done helpful?' i'm sure most of you are like, uh, yea you're in africa being a nurse. but, when i see the same things happening now that happened before i got here, and will continue to happen when i leave, what difference have i made? i shared this frustration with Randy and Jack the other night and they felt the same way about some of their tasks in construction and work here. there is so much need here that we could go broke (and i did...) trying to fix everything. its so easy to see someone's need for food or a bike or whatever and say, hey i have money for that, or i know what medicine to give you, but it only feels like putting out a fire one drop of water at a time. what is more important that trying to be useful is to listen to God about what He'd have you do. "it is never a question of being of use, but of being of value to God Himself" (oswald chambers). So, i guess i need to ask what He will have me do and not question the magnitude of it's impact. just as i cannot judge the severity of different kinds of sin, i cannot judge the worth of my work. still, it's hard to look at a mundane task (like standing by the "dr's order book" during "rounds" and writing down orders that nobody will look at again) and find that it actually does matter. But, "if anything matters, then everything matters. because you are important, everything you do is important...with every kindness and service, seen or unseen, (His) purposes are accomplished and nothing will every be the same again" (the shack). i want the things i've read and the things i've heard relating to this topic to bring meaning and purpose to my life and to my work - not only in my short time here, but at home too. i don't want it to be a warm-fuzzy-it's-ok-to-do-useless-things excuse or tot hinder my progress.

i had a bad day yesterday, but today was much better. one of the pastors here had a child that died in the hospital the other day - we transported the body a few hours out to thier village, which is an experience i won't even attempt to explain right now. the super-jazzed karin you all know (and love) disappeared for a while and i was a major grump all day. today was much better - i started off with a cup of coffee and a better attitude and got some stuff done today. we had dinner with the district commissioner tonight, which was a nice send off. i ate catepillar, pumpkin, impala, and a whole lot of other stuff i couldn't necessarily identify.

the people here have been awesome and welcoming. due to my lack of skin pigment, and the fact that i wear shoes - i stand out here. but, i have never felt out of place. i'm sad to leave, but am also looking forward to coming home. thank you so much for all of your thoughts and prayers - i can feel it!!

peace